Tragedy + Comedy in the Grab Bag of Life

By JarredXMoore

Watch this.

Are you ashamed?

I am, but I love commercials like those for moronic products. When the woman pulls the bag out of the car and everything goes flying down the driveway, I die. Every time. #literallycanteven

We’ve all seen these ploys, where they try to convince us that we cannot handle the most mundane, the mindless, the most everyday of tasks. We can’t drain our pasta without dumping every bit of it down the sink. We can’t do laundry. We can’t cook eggs. We have to wear a magic necklace in case we fall down. We can’t take a selfie now without a friggin’ boom arm for the camera.
We can’t even take a bath without a door for our tub. Nobody ever stops to say, “Grandma, if you can’t bend your leg up to step into the tub, how the hell do you expect to get up once you’re all the way down in it??” See, that’s logic, and logic doesn’t sell the ridiculous. So they put a door on the tub and made the magic necklace waterproof. There ya go, Granny, you’re all set, and here’s your digital recorder so you can remind yourself that you are in the tub in case you forget.

All of this is brought to us by the concerned folks behind the As Seen On TV stamp of quality, because they know that life is such a precarious thing; at ANY MOMENT we could fly right off the rails. DUNDUN Aye! Aye! Aye!

“I must cut through this fucking penny, but my regular knives are just too weak!!” “It’s not enough to have a bowl with bacon, I absolutely must have a bowl OF BACON!” “If my water can’t reach a rolling 212 degrees F in 14 seconds, then I guess WE’RE NOT HAVING ANY FUCKING SPAGHETTI TONIGHT, KIDS!!”


“You hear me, you little bitch?!”

We are not safe. We can’t be trusted to be alone. And just like that, the society we worked so hard to build slips out of our grasp like a bottle of laundry detergent breaking through a cheap plastic bag.

They know we can’t handle the responsibility of carrying grocery bags, so they gave us…a grocery bag.


Just yesterday I was buying groceries, and when I went to lift a bag, the bag gentleman sprung forth, “Whoa, wait! There’s a hole in that one.” I was really THAT close to having my whole world come crashing down. The tragedy, the disrepair that could have been, had that man not been there with a true eye and unquestionable passion for his job. But you see, y’all? We are fine. There are systems already in place, man! Checks and balances! And this fully-aware human even had a contingency plan: “Let me double bag it.” What a close call it was. God bless him. He is one of the few strong enough to hold up the very pillars of our civilization.

What’s worse is reading through the comments under the video and seeing that there are people seriously going out to get this product, as if it is a real solution to a real problem. We entrust these people, these everyday people, with buying over-the-counter drugs, with raising children, etc. Think about that next time you’re at a busy intersection—out there is a big SUV with a Grab Bag of groceries in the back, and the person you have allowed to operate that deadly vehicle is the type of person clueless enough to believe they are some kind of do-gooder. The type of person who bought a bag when carrying bags became just too much.

I want you to remember all this next election season, when you’re being sold unfulfilling solutions to fake problems. Life is just that sad, so sad that we have to laugh. Well, I’m laughing, at least.

Happy shopping, America.


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